This morning when 5 AM rolled around I couldn't do it; I couldn't make myself get out of bed. I was sore, and so tired, and it felt good curled up in bed. I told Jason I couldn't do it and please could we work out tonight. He said yes because he is awesome.
Later, when I'd pulled myself up out of bed and had showered I noticed it. That twinge of pain in my left knee when I sat just wrong. Or when I climbed off the bed the dull ache in both knees. My immediate first thought was "I guess I am done with Insanity again."
As I contemplated what that meant (would I go back to just walking, 10 minute trainer again, or something else), it struck me that this is how I got here. And this epitomizes my behavior in nearly everything. When I struggle to do well I don't want to continue.
Math and science were hard for me in school but instead of studying harder I just told myself that I wasn't a math person and that's okay. When I realize working out is hard for me I've resigned myself to always being the chunky girl. When I can't manage to keep the house picked up, I convince myself that the housekeeping gene just missed me. When waking up to say prayers and go to Mass was hard on me I resigned myself to the fact that I just wasn't a morning person and that's okay.
And it's not okay. The truth is, when I wake in the early morning it is hard and I want to just roll over and go back to sleep but I always, always feel better after a workout and prayers. Why can't I tell myself that and get up to do it anyway? Human nature? Well it's MY human nature and I'm going to fight it. My knee pain is nothing that I wouldn't tell a patient to push through. It can only stop me if I keep letting my fear of struggling hold me back. I know I have far to go, and that IS okay because the journey won't be boring. :)
P.S. This does not mean I will suddenly have a spotless house or that I will all of a sudden be a math whiz...1 journey at a time folks!